For every mother, one of their greatest fears is losing a child. The emotional and mental torture is nowhere comparable to anything in the world. It is where all mental illnesses can build up. There is depression, anxiety, and stress that seem to control everything. It is the point in every mother’s life where all hell breaks loose. It is something that one cannot shrug off instantly. It is like devouring pain over and over. And I experienced all of those when I lost my child seconds after giving birth.


Mental And Emotional State

The moment I realized I delivered a dead baby, I feel an instant chill all over my body. I didn’t have time to cry a lot, though. But I knew something inside me wants to burst out. I could not understand my emotional state at that time, but one thing is sure. I lost a precious baby, and there is nothing I can do about it. I went into a blank state of mind where all I think about is the loss I experienced seconds ago. My thoughts kept on repeating at that particular moment only.

Weeks after giving birth, I went back to my daily routine. People appear concerned because they see nothing in me. They kept on telling me that it is okay to cry and feel sad. However, I felt like I am okay and that I don’t have to cry a lot to get depressed only to justify that I am experiencing an emotional dilemma. I tried keeping myself intact and responsive as much as possible. I never wanted people to view me differently. I felt like I do not need people to feel sorry for what had happened. I thought it is better if things would be the same because I thought losing a baby is a natural phenomenon. I understand how things in the world go, so there is no reason for people to push me in an emotional and mental state that I do not want to have.


Am I Strong, Or In Denial?

Honestly, for me, the reason why I never wanted to make a big deal out of my baby’s death is due to the balance of my overall health. Not because I didn’t cry that much or didn’t plan to grieve for more than a year, does not mean I don’t feel sad. I am unhappy, lonely, and empty inside. I miss my baby so much. I carried a child for nine months, and that is something. But I do not want depression or any mental illness to take over my life. As much as possible, I want to get back on track and become myself again. Because I know that is what my baby wants me to do.

I focused on keeping my mental state away from my emotions. I managed to pull things through because my idea of losing someone is not about life’s ending. For me, it meant to be a brand new start. The whole experience is for me to realize that life has its uncertainties.

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